Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
