Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
