My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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