gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
