Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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