i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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