The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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