I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
