apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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