I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
