farters have to be the big spoon...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
