why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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