I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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