Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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