my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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