Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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