its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
