Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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