I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
