cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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