Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
