hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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