How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
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