I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
