Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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