my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
