We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
