but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
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Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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