You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
