Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
