Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
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