Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
