she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
