i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
