turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
