I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
