and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
