No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Two words: blizzard sex
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize