I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
