smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When are your genitals available?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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