I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
