the new term for farting is butt boxing.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
