He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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