i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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