There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
