It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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