I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
