I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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