I accidentally had phone sex last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My ATM looks so different sober.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
