Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
