I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
