For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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