someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
