I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
