just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
