i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She just used a chaser for red wine.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
