update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
