Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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