I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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