I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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