they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
