I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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