Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
