I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
