I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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