i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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